The CLOSENUF Bio People Really Want To Read.

Or any resemblance to individuals living or dead was probably intentional.

The year was 1945, and William Peter G. Adam Vicelich Paszti Seyfried, keyboardist or guitarist extraordinaire (depending on which gospel you read), had just returned home from the war. As he dropped his burlap sack on the shores of Manhattan, he ran into lounge singer/songwriter Anthony J. Foti, who at the time was a vagabond, playing his grinder organ with his pet monkey, Mustafa who collected the proceeds. An immediate creative spark was born. They decided to form the smallest big band possible being WillPeterAdam's Karmann Ghia only sat 5.

Driving across country, collecting funds which people thought they were providing to further polio research, they seeked out the rest of the band. Stopping at a small truck stop in Squeedunk, Minnesota, they met Rick Tony Hank McDonagh Napp Troise III . Coming from a long line of Rick Tony Hank McDonagh Napp Troises, he was a strong burley man with an eye patch and a wooden spleen. He said he played the "bass" proficiently, and after a large smelly fish was replaced with a Rickenbacker, and he was asked to pronounce it with a long "A," the sound really started to come together.

20 years passed, and the first 2 WillPeterAdams were both decapitated in separate freak car crashes but through cloning and good PR, Ant, RickTonyHank & WillPeterAdam3, were still playing clubs in Nova Scotia for food and toiletries. The sound seemed lacking as Anthony strummed on pieces of entrails he would pick up in kitchens, and RickTonyHank banged an upside down waste paper basket with whatever appendage was not in use.

Playing a cast wrap-up party in Hollywood, they ran into stuntman, Roberto Rockhard RonnieRon Pitkin Ciraudo, who besides starring in the serial movies as the superhero, "The Ram," he was known for his stunning guitar work in porn movie soundtracks. Leaving a trail of M&Ms back to the Karmann Ghia, RobRon ate them and was led to the band waiting in the parking lot. Teaching him 3 chords, as well as to eat with a fork, were a challenge, but well worth it.

17 more years passed, and RickTonyHank sacrificed Mustafa in a Santeria ritual for a drummer. Again, the band was traveling across country back east to Brooklyn, New York hoping to land a gig as the back-up band for the Bill Cosby Show, playing spontaneous jazz-fusion for the show's score. They crossed the Wyoming/Illinois border when a man parachuted into the back of their convertible between RickTonyHank & RobRon. The man told WillPeterAdam to step on it, as he was being chased by Columbian drug lords for insulting their llama. Who would think the expression, "Your Llama!" could have such repercussions? Speaking of re"percussion," a full canary yellow (or possibly black, again depending on which gospel you read) drum set also parachuted after him and landed in the convertible's trunk, which never stayed closed. That man was Joe Trey Roper Neilsen, man of mystery. The FBI erased his real identity and background in the 60s to save the life of Lynden B. Johnson. The band has never asked questions or looked back since, but the lineup was now complete.

17 number one hits later, having sold out the Garden a record 33 1/3 times, these 5 men continue to make music history with a full line of albums, singles, action figures, and limited edition edible earplugs. Is it musical perfection? CLOSENUF!!

And Check Out These Alternate Bios of Our Boys!

Guitarist Roberto Ciraudo - This man has guitar licks that are as wavy and groovy as his hair and the women's spines who meet him. He gives the vapors even on the driest day. His Uruguayan Latin charm makes people from South America move to Central America, and those from Central America move to North America just to be close to him. Musicians want to be him, women want to be his guitar. Sheet music waits outside his studio just to touch his gig bag. He doesn't always play music but when he does, you will know it! He is the most interesting guitarist in the world. He is Roberto Ciraudo of CLOSENUF! Stay musical, my friends!

Bass Guitarist Rick Troise - This musician is a limited offer not available in stores - for the low advertised price you get this expert bass player (made in Peru) who can also cut a mean rug! But wait, there's more! You also get the same man who can lay down some mean drums and percussion; but if you call now, we will also throw in the fact that he can songwrite, compose and arrange!  If you act now you get all this: Bass player, dancer, drummer, songwriter & composer but if you reach out to us in the next 15 minutes (for just additional shipping and handling), we will throw in excellent musical transcriptionist and notation specialist! Call now, operators are standing by...

Guitarist William Seyfried - Will is always making the papers and the press for his chiseled good looks as well as his wild erratic behavior! He has been seen with the likes of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan and that was just Tuesday! He is also in the Guinness Book of World Records being the only member of CLOSENUF to do a full concert shirtless. He has been quoted in People Magazine when asked why they don't write them like that anymore, with the response "Cus, they've already been written!" Entertainment Tonight reported that he brought sexy back but was only given store credit!  TMZ captured the scoop that he got jiggy with it even though he only ordered the soup...

Drummer Joe Nielsen - Joe is a riddle shrouded in mystery wrapped in a quagmire mistaken for an enigma strapped to a few conundrums!  Speaking of drums, did we mention he also plays guitar and bass and is a blues aficionado? His Costa Rican roots lay down the bedrock of CLOSENUF's Latin based rhythm section which no fan who has ever seen a show has ever recovered from! Many have filmed DVDs of his solos to play on frame by frame advance just to recall what really happened that evening!  It is no surprise he ranks first in the band's Nielsen Ratings!! He is famous for his public speech of '97 when, in his beautifully "Ricardo Montalban" accented voice, had to defend himself in a court of law the DNA results finding that he actually fathered "Animal" from The Muppets; the final results are still not in...

Front Man Anthony J. Foti - Being bitten by a radioactive musician while on tour in Bora Bora, he was transformed into the man you see today! Years of testing still has not concluded just where the songs come from but luckily additional federal funding awaits. His name Anthony Joseph Foti literally translates to: "Praiseworthy He Will Add Brightness" which he hopes in his next life he would come back Native American because with a name like that, he surely would get some squaw for the prom. He likes long walks off short piers and his favorite color is transparent! Rumor has it he is the illegitimate son of Mr. Sikowitz from the show "Victorious! "He's an Aquarius born in the Age of Aquarius & believes apocalyptic events will occur in the universe once the moon is in Uranus...ah, but we digress...

Is it biographical perfection? CLOSENUF!!

Now that you've read our faux bio, how about reading our faux reviews?
(click here)

CLOSENUF to a Fairy Tale.

Have you ever noticed how the places we play are all named after odd characters right out of Shrek meets the Brothers Grimm, so here's something fun we tried:

Once Upon a Time.

Kelly & Kenny were invited to the wedding of Napper Tandy to Peggy O'Neill. It was sure to be a lush & beautiful gala at Killmeyer's Old Bavarian Inn. Desmond's band was to play the event, and Bogart was to cater. Kelly & Kenny left Griswold's Pub early and headed past the Rustic Inn to the old Watering Hole. There they met a Yankee Peddler who sold them a Purple Frog. He insisted this would be the perfect gift for Napper & Peggy as it held magic throughout its beautiful porcelain and glass exterior. They continued down the road passed The Baggot Inn and Blaggard's Pub admiring their new find. Turns out the Frog was formerly owned by the evil Big Nose Kate who lived in the Loft of the Full Moon Saloon! She sent her henchman The Mean Fiddler to play a tune whose intoxicating melody soon made Kelly & Kenny lost in the woods that lead from The Bantry Bar to Coady's Emerald Pub! Luckily, the Frog's beacon lead them to meet up with Tamaqua, the wise Indian sage, who as a shaman both reversed the spell of the Mean Fiddler, as well as guided them out of the woods passed The Gecko Lounge to the Old Bavarian Inn which was far enough from the spells of Kate to allow beautiful festivities to occur all night. Turns out the magic of the Purple Frog changed the disposition of the Wicked Monk to become a kind clergyman, who after Kelly & Kenny caught the bouquet & garter, performed a surprise second ceremony that eve! The cider & wine abounded as they all danced into the night, the 2 happy couples with their joyous guests including the beloved townsfolk known as The Goodfellas all in a circle to the sounds of Desmond's hammered dulcimer; all the while Tamaqua & the Monk stayed outside the Inn's huge wooden doors, clinking their glasses and toasting new found merriment into the night. CLOSENUF to happily ever after!!

The End.

(Love to see our fans try one - feel free to go nuts - if it's cool, we'll send it out on future e-mails for all to enjoy! Our list of Venues is on our Cover Work page and you can e-mail your work to us through our Guestbook page. And since we've brought you CLOSENUF to Literature, hopefully we will see you CLOSENUF to our next performance!)

"How I won American Idol 2014" by Billy North

Hello America:

I know many have written "how to" books from winning lottery to blackjack, so here's your how to for winning American Idol...my story starts when I changed my stage name to Billy North for simplicity and recognition sake. Some people live up North and most have traveled North at some time...plus all of us have to pay Bills... When auditioning I explained to the sign-in people that at 5 years old I had lost both arms & legs to flesh eating bacteria but my parents had reptile recombient DNA injected into me so they grew back (and after a brief stint as a super-villain), by 12 years old I was using them to build homes for Habitat for Humanity with Jimmy Carter. All the while sleeping in my car to save money for voice lessons. I then consumed Imodium AD for a week before the audition so my constipation would make every note be shrill & sharp like every boy band and modern R & B singer (damn you Stevie Wonder - the only man ever to use it correctly!). But anyway, got my golden ticket!

During the Hollywood phase, I laid low in the groups calling no attention to myself and slipped into the top 24. They gave us a week off during which I had plastic surgery to look like anyone from the Twilight Saga Series (vampire side, not werewolf side). This made the 7-9 year old pre-pubescent female viewing audience with unlimited texting to vote for me constantly based on my looks even though I am tone deaf (why does a 7 year old girl need unlimited texting? anyway...). This led to the top 12, during which I decided to not just do runs with every word but every syllable and am now in the Guinness Book of World Records for doing one 90 second song by running scales on only one monosyllabic word! (Eat your heart out, Aguilera!).

Of course there was that time I made the bottom two, but was quickly saved when they sent me back home to Extremelysmallville, Utah, population 221, where the 44,000 residents came out for my parade; but while back home, fortunately both Grandmothers died in a freak wood-chipping accident which lead public opinion back in my favor. Again the 7-9 year old pre-pubescent female viewing audience with unlimited texting continued their push like Republicans in Florida voting for me intravenously (again, really, unlimited texting?). When I made the finals where they were down to just two contestants, I automatically won when they realized, in a show so caught up in itself, they had nominated a judge as the other finalist!

But regardless, I had won! And if you follow these easy steps, so can you! Well, having no songwriting ability though, 3 1/2 months later I was never seen again on the charts and now have a cushy job as a red carpet spokesperson on E! That's my story and I'm sticking to it! This...Is...American Idol! Seacrest out!

Love, Billy :)